Life - Demystified

Having a tender a heart, a mind which feels for other and a soul which is gentle and caring, all sounds so good and ideal. Compassion, idealism all sounds to proper, so right, so good. Put those values in soul of a persona and you will have individual who is a beacon of all good about humans.

Alas it is not that simple. There is nothing like an ideal man. We all are designed to make pursuit of happiness as our only goal in life. Some of us look at spirituality to provide them happiness, some to religion, some to helping other out, others fight poverty, and some are champions of democracy, for some they are willing to bleed for communism. We all want to be special, to have individual and unique thought process, to feel self-important and however we argue against it, when it comes to I vs them, we invariably choose I over them anytime. “I love my parents”, “I am willing to do anything for my friends”, “I can die for my country”, “I am a good human inside”, “I never intentionally hurt anyone”, “I love pets/stray animals”. Every moment, every thought, we are projecting what we think about us on world. We all do that, consciously, unconsciously or sub consciously. It never matters how or why we do it, we just do it.

And then there are people who make it their creed to try to help everyone around them, the people with tender hearts, the people who are willing to sacrifice their time, effort, mind for others. At their level, they have to make efforts to set things right in others’ lives. The people who demand few things, who give many. Those are the people who are more often than not, misunderstood, mistreated and supposed to be always there for others. People who become punch bag for others, they are often abused for doing something right, they are often make to feel guilty for thing which they have done with the purest of intentions. The people who are perceptive, who can emphasize, people who can feel the pain of others as their own, the kind of people you will see being slowly consumed by the need of others.

Let us now have a look at the psyche of such person, why he ends up agonizing for good deeds, the people who makes him feel guilty and why, and consequences of all that on that person, in next 4 paragraphs. Then we will talk about importance of saying “I deserve to be happy”, “I will pursue happiness”, “Why it is important to be selfish”, and in the end “Why I is the most significant word in entire vocabulary”.

To understand the psyche of such person, you need to look at the upbringing, the environment around him, family, friends, and strata of society he comes from. Such people are taught to be helpful, to put others before them, to do things for others, to put a smile on the faces of others. But they are torn between the basic human instinct of gratification and the taught value of altruism. Such person is usually patient, silent, as a child he can delay gratification, he can hold on to his chocolate when others kids around him eat theirs, and in the end he has the heart to share his chocolate with them when he is eating his. For him sharing of joys, sharing of things is natural. He learns to control his urges, to make sacrifices, to make others happy, to the extent that he suffers, feel sad; spend his scarce resources for others. He may learn those things from his parents, form his teachers, but more significantly he develops a higher appreciation of things and people around him. He is way ahead of his fellow children in terms of maturity. When people feel sad he is normally the first one to console, when he achieves something his celebration is muted because others around him lost, it is almost like he is guilty of his fairly earned happiness. And this is what he carried with him throughout his life, unless something jolts him out of his thought process and make him question what he is doing and what he is losing in the process

Why he ends up agonizing for all the good he has done. In reality not all the good, but most of it, especially in terms of human relations. The reason is that others around him are not like him. If we see a group of 50 children, and provide them with chocolates with promise of 1 more if they manage not to eat it for 1 hour. In 45/50 cases, children can’t delay gratification, for them it is always about instant gratification. When those children grow up, they become people who gave in to their cravings, who demand their happiness before others. In extreme cases such people end up being autocrats, criminals or simply utterly selfish people, while in mild cases they can be your team leads who steal your credit for a work, your neighbour who considers your front door as his parking without asking you, people in trains who occupy your seats and refuse to budge, in general people who put others before them at any point in time, under any situation. And when such persons meet our subject they take him for granted to make sure they are happy, they make him responsible for their sadness and troubles. In their mind they expect our subject to responsible for their happiness, they keep demanding more, and when comes a time when it is no longer for the person to yield, they make it a point to let him know that they are sad because of him, because what he has done, is doing or what he is not doing, his actions are responsible for their sadness. His guilt becomes their strength. He is doomed if he does and doomed if he does not. Sometimes they request with tears in their eyes, sometimes they shout, sometimes they are angry, other times they are making him feel that they are doing all they can to feel happy but not able to do it because of him, because he is not able to provide their one last wish, their one last ask. The catch is wish is never the last, the task is never the last, and it is basic human nature. When we get what we want, we want more, this is an unending cycle.  The person is caught in this cycle, he wants to do good, he wants to provide them with happiness, but in the process they want him to forget about himself, his wants, his space, his free time. His everything is theirs, his time is theirs, his actions must to something which do not make them sad, else they will come back and tell you how what you have done is making them sad, how selfish your are to even do that, how much they are hurt by your behavior and how wrong you are to do it in the first place.  He becomes their punching bag, it becomes a one way street, they will ask him what makes him happy, but that should be something in relation to them. If anything which does not suit their thinking, they will again make you feel selfish to think in that way.

Coming to the consequences, there is this great truth about us humans. “We are all unique, we all think in different ways, we all are entitled to live, to behave, to do things which we like to do”. But the moment you start sacrificing, compromising on those values, you are giving away a part of you. You may make them feel good for some time, but don’t give them control to your life. This jeopardizes your happiness, take away your peace of mind, you are conscious of not hurting other people, you ate conscious of not doing things which “makes them sad”. The suffering party in all this is you, without you being even realizing that. If you want to prioritize something, those people will come back and say, you don’t care for us anymore, what you are doing is hurting me so don’t do that, this will make me sad so don’t do it, and then there will be fights, tears and loads of agonizing unless you give in. But once you do, things will only be right for some time before all of this will start again on some other point

Significantly we as humans have this ability to pause and think, to project ourselves outside of our form and analyse what is happening, what is going wrong and what steps you need to make sure you don’t feel guilty for doing things you will like to do. The most basic and important assertion we all need to say when we feel with this kind of situation is,” I don’t want others to be sad, but even I Deserve to be Happy. If the other person is making it sound that he things which you like doing is hurting him, you need to remember that even you need to be happy. You are also responsible for your happiness, you also deserve to smile, to be carefree, to talk, to chat, to run, to fly. You also deserve to be free. Things change, situations change and change is the only constant. You need to embrace change and you need to put “I” over “them” when it demands. It is alright to pursue happiness, it is not a crime to be happy, to do things and not be answerable for your actions. If being somewhere makes you feel happy be there, if being somewhere makes you feel miserable make a move

Coming back to the premise of being Selfish. Now it is a word often used in negative sense, in fact almost always used in negative sense. We are told not to be selfish, we are told to be altruistic. But this is against human nature; genetically we evolved because we are selfish. The survivors are selfish and the one who are not perish. This is the law of nature.  There is nothing wrong in being selfish, being want to be happy, want things for you, seek fun. Problem starts when you want others to do what you want them to do and if they don’t, you feel sad, blame them, make them feel guilty. This kind of selfishness if bad, both for you and others around you. We all have this infinite ability to do anything, we all are special, but we need to concentrate on “I”. Look within before look outside is the true mantra of living. Looking at others, wanting others to fulfill your plans, wanting others to understand you when you are not willing to understand yourself leads to anger, to sadness, to unfulfillment and eventually to  fight, pain and sometimes it takes all the focus away from being happy to just being fascinated by what that other means for you. We all can be happy, should be happy but for that we have to let others do what they want to do for themselves and not for us. Be grateful if someone does a good deed for you; don’t be vindictive if he does not. Focus on happiness which is in your life because of him and not on sadness because of things he fails to do for you. He is not responsible for your happiness. You are. To behave and live in that way.

In the end, I is the word which makes our life possible,. I stand for me, for self-preservation, for self-happiness. Without I there won’t be any we. There won’t be any us, there won’t be any them.  If it comes to it, focus on I, because if you are not happy you can’t make others happy, but don’t make making others happy be the goal of your life. Life is a gift afforded to few, but life is not just about passing your time and waiting to die. Life is much more than that. Life is about the wonderful moment when first drops of rain hits the soil, life about the first time u see a new born open her/his eyes, life is about the time when a stranger greets you and it bring smile to your face as well,. Life is about the moment when you pick up your bag, charge your camera and leave for a place unexplored, life is about the moment when you clinch your first when your team scores, life is about the moment when you hug your friend tight and be happy in his/her happiness, life is about sponsoring a kid’s education and see him becoming an important member of society, life is about the moment when some moments of your time bring a smile to face of old, forgotten, abandoned people, life is about love which is undemanding, which is pure, which don’t bound you but rather sets you free of everything, life is ab out the moment when your Dad stands proudly in front of entire village and say My son has achieved something, he is someone, life is about the moment when your mom tells you that she can’t be more proud to have a son like you, life is about the moment when your brother calls you suddenly and say I love you sweetie, thanks for being there for me. Life is that and much more, life is supposed to be fun, life is supposed to be a joy, and most importantly life is supposed to find your “Joie de Vivre”.

If your life is not about that you need to make changes. Living life is not the point, living life for you is. Living a life for others is never an option, we can make a difference to how others live, but “I” is the center word. You can’t carry a person on shoulder if you don’t know how to walk, if you don’t have strength to do it. First starts with I, first get the strength and then go and out and live your life. But always remember, if it ever comes to choosing between I and them, always choose I and by doing that only you can help them and any others. Love people, help them but never ever let them make you feel guilty for your actions. Do good, eat well, exercise often, smile a lot, don’t harm others and live in peace.

Here are the guidelines – for demystifying the life:

• ·        Never let anyone make you feel guilty for doing things which makes you happy and not harming that person
• ·        Never let anyone blame you for trouble in their lives
• ·        Don’t try to be atlas, the world is not for yours to carry
• ·        Don’t hide things because you think that will make others feel bad. It is their responsibility as well to be happy and deal with it
• ·        Be honest with people, things change and so do we. There is no point in pretending that status quo will be maintained
• ·        Even Hercules was burdened by deeds of Gods, you are not anything special
• ·        Be positive, do work not for money, but to better your previous self every single day
• ·        Realize when a work, a relationship, a life stage has served its purpose, exit if need to. A graceful exit says a lot about the kind of person you are
• ·        To maintain your dignity is in your hand. No one can take your self-respect and dignity away from you, unless you gives it away
• ·        Love any day is way better than money. Money provide for necessary things, but love is the essential thing
• ·        Set yourself ambitious target, never let yourself slack off, always look forward
• ·        Spend some time alone every day, your solitude is your best friend
• ·        The way people treat you shows something about them not you
• ·        The way you treat people shows something about you and not them. Respect everyone, be gentle, and don’t shout. If you do, apologize and do better next time
• ·        Be physically capable but not to be physically violent. Lotus blooms best in still water
• ·        Be still, practice being still every day.
• ·        If you keep buying things you don’t need, soon you have to sell things you need. Be wise with your money
• ·        Avoid arguments; they suck life energy out of your system. Don’t argue, no one wins in an argument. Move away from it and you will win irrespective of what others claim