Am I Atheist?

Do I believe in GOD or rather do I believe that GOD, if there, is impartial, fair and good. Am I an atheist or simply agnostic or may be a believer. Questions which people ask and questions which I reply by a mere smile or a nonchalant shrug. Smile because i am afraid that any reply from my side will let them ask me more and more question and shrug because that's the best way I know of showing indifference.
So coming back to the million dollar question, the answer is not that simple. I believe, rather I know that I am a devout but in a different mold. One thing which I honestly follow in all my dealings is that if you believe in something, you ought to believe in its absolute infallibility. If I trust, its has to be an absolute and sacred trust, If I love is has to be absolute. I ran away from anything which is not absolute, I distrust a person who fail me continuously and however hurt I may be because of any of my decision, once taken their is no going back. That keeps life simple and let me know that with each of my decision their a is a premium attached, so never take any decision hastily, but once taken stick with it, a strong headed approach no doubt.

So coming back to GOD, there is lack of trust in our relationship,. because I failed GOD many times and he failed me more than that. He was not their when I need, not their when I need him to wipe my tears, not their when my dear ones were suffering, he always used to stand mute in temples or be a silent spectator. He was not their when my mama was taking bullets from terrorists for saving his country and I still believe that destiny or no destiny, 22 years is not a age to die. Their are so many instances when I prayed and he was not in mood to listen. I tried to call him, mediate, but all I got is an uncomfortable silence from him.

Dear GOD, if you are there please show up, I don't want you as GOD, but as friend in my life. Be there and don't worry I won't be an overbearing companion.

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